"13 Ghosts" is a remake of the William Castle classic about a family who in inherits a creepy house, only to discover that, while inside, they are being pursued by 13 spirits.  Remakes are rarely as good as the original, and this is no exception.

 

      After his wife dies, Arthur Kriticos (Tony Shalhoub) takes his kids and moves into a small apartment, where they are minimally unhappy.  That is until a lawyer comes knocking on their door, telling Arthur that his Uncle Cyrus has willed a fabulous house to the family.  Of course, the family drives down to have a look-see, only to eventually become trapped inside with 13 pissed-off ghosts.  While at the house, the family meet Rafkin (Matthew Lillard), a psychic who helped Uncle Cyrus capture the ghosts, only to find out later that Cyrus's intent was to use the power of the ghosts to open an eye to hell, where he could achieve ultimate knowledge about the past, present, and future.  Shannon Elizabeth plays the daughter and Rah Digga plays the family's nanny.  Embeth Davidtz even pops in as someone who wants to set the ghosts free.  And, veteran F. Murray Abraham plays dear old demented Uncle Cyrus.

 

      There are so many inconsistencies in this film, it's hard to know where to begin.  First of all, why does Arthur Kriticos talk to Shannon Elizabeth like she is a 10-year-old when she looks at least 23.  Another problem--if the family is suppose to be so poor and so struggling, how could they afford a nanny like Rah Digga?  Why does Matthew Lillard offer himself to the ghosts, especially when he had no reason to?  These questions may never be answered, though my best guess is--the script sucked.

    

      F. Murray Abraham has fun with his role as the demented uncle, and Matthew Lillard does slightly better than normal as the ghost hunting psychic, but the performances from Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elizabeth, and Embeth Davidtz are terrible.  Director Steve Beck has crafted a film that is almost 75% identical to "House on Haunted Hill" and it is even produced by the same company, Dark Castle.  Alas, the acting isn't the only bad thing about this film.

 

      The biggest problem I had with this film is that no one dies.  Now, I know that sounds kind of morbid, but it is suppose to be a horror movie.  There are a total of 3 deaths in the film.  At first, we think the Kriticos kids might die, but then it is only revealed that they are being help captive by the spirits.  What's up with that?  More blood.  More carnage.  That's what horror films are all about.  Now, there is a nicely grotesque scene where a lawyer is split in two, but that's the only scene that remotely makes ones blood curdle.  The simple fact is--this film is more like an action flick that a horror film.  One of the ghosts, named 'The Hammer', is too funny looking to be scary and the only scary ghost in the bunch is 'The Jackal', who looks like a guy who got his head stuck in a microwave oven.  In many ways, this film reminded me of "Hellraiser 3:  Hell on Earth", where the creators got so desperate they used characters like 'Typewriter Head' and 'CD the DJ'.  It was pitiful.

 

      The one good thing about this film is that it is a watchable popcorn/Halloween flick.  It was released at just the right time and will probably appeal to many people.  But, a good popcorn movie is the only credit I will give this one.  Why couldn't they trap the family in a house with 1 really mean ghost instead of 13 minimally evil ghosts?  But, considering the ghosts walk away at the end, there's always room for a sequel.  Let's hope Ray, Peter, Winston, and Egon do their jobs before that ever happens.