Somewhere in Hollywood there lies a vault where all of the ridiculous movie sequels are kept. You can find titles like "Arthur 2: On the Rocks", "The Land Before Time III", and "The Whole Ten Yards". I imagine a large building -- probably twice the size of your average Cineplex -- covered in dust and angry fan mail. I foresee a graveyard to the side of the building, and on the headstones are the names of the industry men and women who never worked again thanks to the films kept within the walls of the building. Out on the sidewalk -- much like at the Hollywood Walk of Fame -- are the names of celebrities who were victims of these films -- Bruce Willis, Martin Lawrence, Tommy Lee Jones. In about three months, a truck will pull up to the gate
surrounding the vault. It will pull in, open the door, and unload its baggage. "The Ring Two" will be that baggage, and I doubt the driver of the truck will have the nerve to say anything at all as he unloads the picture. Years and years from now, this vault will be torn down to make room for some new Revlon or Fanta sponsored Regal Cinemas, and these films will be re-introduced into society. Like a plague, "The Ring Two" will start making the DVD rounds, turning all sufferers into mindless cinematic zombies. In that sense, I assume the film will have succeeded. But, today, in 2005 -- it takes a lot more than green skin and nails on a chalkboard to make me wet my pants.

In the history of bad sequel ideas, this was not the worst. The idea was solid. The original film made well over $100 million at the box office, a Japanese sequel had already proven that it could be done, and tacking on the film's original Japanese director, Hideo Nakata, only made the success of the sequel even more certain. So, what went wrong? Let me restate that -- what went so terribly, horribly wrong? How could a film like "The Ring", which was so frightening and so original and so unexpected get mutated into something with the soul of a Wind-Up Barry White? Blame Hideo Nakata. Blame DreamWorks. Hell, blame Naomi Watts. It really doesn't matter who takes the blame, because this film will have still been made. I walked into the cinema with high expectations, hoping to have the ever-loving bejesus scared out of me. I walked out of the theatre, trashed my eighteen dollar
package of Skittles, and bitched all the way to my vehicle. On first impulse, I called "The Ring Two" the worst film I had seen since the vile "Jackass: The Movie". Having had some time to think it over, the film is not quite that bad -- but it is close. I would certainly rank it amongst my all-time movie disappointments. I would have cried, had I not laughed all of my tears away.

Reprising her role as the emotionless, rigid, Barbie-doll heroine from the original, Naomi Watts is Rachel Keller, the only newspaper reporter who can do no work and still discover everything. Since the events of the original film (you remember -- creepy wet bitch comes crawling through the T.V. during "Desperate Housewives" and starts eating all your family members), Rachel and her equally creepy son Aidan (David Dorfman) have gotten the hell out of Seattle -- though it does appear that they have only moved up the block. The best way to escape an evil relentless spirit -- move a few miles upstate. Almost as soon as we say that they are perfectly content with their new
lives, creepy little Samara (Kelly Stables) comes twitching and crawling back into their lives, thanks to the befamed video tape that is still floating around out there. The first victim? The little dork from "The Deep End of the Ocean" -- he tries to use the tape to kill the chick from "Everwood", but she closes her eyes and doesn't watch it, and then the water starts pouring from the Ethan Allen living room set and everything goes straight to hell. Then, Samara
starts back after Rachel and Aidan, by slowly possessing Aidan like Satan did with Regan in "The Exorcist", except Satan did not bat his eyes like a school girl with a crush, nor call Ellen Burstyn 'mommy'. Samara versus The Prince of Darkness? Bitch going down.

I know what you're thinking -- that can't be everything that happens.  Well, I hate to disappoint you, but there is not much else. We are introduced to a plethora of unnecessary supporting characters, none of which hold any crucial plot points, and none of which have any purpose other than to look creepy or die. Simon Baker has the thankless role of trying to understand Naomi Watts, though most acting coaches have still yet to figure out how we get "21 Grams" one day and "The Ring Two" the next. He is about as needed as a song and dance number. Elizabeth Perkins (who is very underused these days) plays the clichéd child services psychiatrist who takes one look at Watts and Dorfman and knows something is very wrong with the picture. Eventually, she mistakes Aidan for her long lost love, Josh Baskin, and shoots herself in the neck -- I guess she did not want to wait for Aidan to be 'big'. And, poor old Sissy Spacek -- reduced to such an ugly, ludicrous role. Here, she plays Evelyn, the wacked out mother of Samara -- which is weird considering we were lead to believe throughout the first film that Samara was the daughter of the Morgan Family. I guess we can just forget all about that. They gave us Gary Cole as a real estate agent to make us forget.

But, all of the blame cannot go to Naomi Watts. She did the best she could with what little she has. Most of the blame has to fall square on the shoulders of Hideo Nakata. Seeing as how this was his first American feature, I will cut him a little slack, but not much when you consider how well Takashi Shimizu did with his American remake of "The Grudge". Here, Nakata has not created a horror film. I did not jump or flinch or cringe a single time during this film. Even when Bambi & Co. were doing a Michael Jackson "Black & White" on the car, I just sat there in awe that I could be watching something so absurd. It seemed to me that Nakata was doing for a more artful approach to the
film -- the elderly pacing, the non-existing build-up of tension -- oh, wait a second -- I meant artless. Evidently, he thinks American audiences are going to be scared by white contact lenses and water floating on the ceiling. Please. After watching KaDee Strickland get attacked in her bed in "The Grudge", it is going to take a lot more than Samara and her posse of deer to keep me entertained. Maybe if Aidan had been played by Aidan Quinn.

Let's see -- where to end -- oh yes -- avoid this picture. At all costs. Somewhere nearby there should be a theatre still playing the film "Boogeyman" -- check it out instead. Hell, "Cursed" would be a better investment. The only reasons to see "The Ring Two" are_______________ and _____________________ -- oh, sorry about that. If you couldn't make those out, join the club. Oooh -- maybe some creepy little wet bitch came and took away the words and replaced them with blanks. You'll never know. But, if you would like to -- please request a video transcript by writing to: 1616 Vault of Ridiculous Sequels Beverly Hills, CA 90210. If you can't get what you need there, go ahead and hit the local Cineplex. But, don't say I didn't
warn you. The tagline for this film was 'fear comes full circle'. I really couldn't tell if that was fear, or maybe just down syndrome.