When I think of all
the leading men in Hollywood, names like Tom Hanks, Jim
Carrey, Russell Crowe, and Hugh Grant come to mind.
Towards the bottom of that list are names like Dustin
'Screech' Diamond, Jaleel 'Urkel' White, and Paul
'Joyride' Walker. Why in the hell did director
Richard Donner think Paul Walker could carry a film?
Was he drunk? Was he too busy worrying about the
next "Lethal Weapon" film? For whatever
reason -- he boo-booed and he did so big time. Not
only is "Timeline" a cinematic disaster of epic
proportions, it is a box office disaster also, only making
around eight million in its opening weekend. For a
film like "The Station Agent", that is
heart-stopping. For a film like
"Timeline", which cost over 100 million to bring
to life, that is a disaster.
So, here's the pitch -- a group of archaeologists
accidentally get sent back in time to rescue their
professor, via a wormhole that was suppose to be used as a
new and improved means of transporting packages, etc.
But, where do they get sent back? Well, where did
Bill and Ted get sent back? Where did Ash get sent
back in "Army of Darkness"? You guessed it
-- the Middle Ages. 'Twas a time of knights and
wizards and dragons and really bad acting. The
scientists (oh, excuse me, archaeologists) must
swashbuckle their way back to their original time, and
that pretty much sums it up. Plots don't get much
more riveting than that, eh?
This film was based on the book by Michael Crichton, as
was "Jurassic Park", "Congo",
"Sphere", "Lost World: Jurassic Park
II", "The 13th Warrior", and "The
Andromeda Strain". "Congo" and
"Sphere" have turned into guilty pleasures.
I can't even say that about "Timeline".
OK, so I won't pin all the blame on Crichton. I have
to give some of it to the screenwriter. In this
case, that would be Jeff Maguire, whose only other work of
note was the 1993 classic "In the Line of Fire".
Jeff -- what went wrong, buddy? You take ten years
off to come back with this mess.
Paul Walker is as rigid as any actor can be here.
After the intensely enjoyable "Joyride", I
thought he might be gaining a little more charm and
charisma as an actor. After seeing
"Timeline", I am shocked he hasn't been confused
with a wheel barrow. He delivers his lines like a
blind man delivers a baby -- very carefully and cautious
not to drop something. And what in the hell happened
to Frances O'Connor? She looks like she was ran
through a meat grinder and then smeared in mud. She
looks more like Jessica Tandy than Frances O'Connor.
Not to mention, any time you have actors like Ethan Embry
and Matt Craven in a film, you know it is second rate.
Sorry guys, but you've been on the bottom rung for a while
now.
Overall, "Timeline" is one of those films that
focuses 99.9% of its energy and action and .01% of its
energy and plot and character development. Do we
care about Paul Walker? No. Do we wish he
would get naked and go jousting? Well, that is
another story altogether. The point is --
"Timeline" is a must avoid. Spend that
eight bucks doing something else, like renting
"Excalibur", for the Middle Ages stuff, and
"Jurassic Park", to show that Michael Crichton
isn't all bad. Hell -- rent "Back to the
Future" too, so you can see what entertaining time
travel looks like.
